No Matter How Small

Right before graduation, Mark and I were thrilled to find out I was expecting.  We felt like life was too good to be true.  He was graduating, found a great job, we were going to be within a drivable distance to family, and we were going to have a baby! Soon after, we found out that this new baby of ours would even get to have a cousin close in age on both sides of the family.  I felt like everything was going our way.  

I was still a bit worried about keeping the baby since Lucy had come so early and I had miscarried before.  At seven weeks we had a little scare that the baby had died but were reassured that there was a heartbeat.  I tried not to worry and hoped that everything was okay.   I had a couple more ultrasounds, saw the heart beating a couple of times, and even saw the baby moving at eight weeks.  By twelve weeks, I was so relieved that I was still pregnant.  We started telling people as we figured I was in the clear.  

Mark and I couldn't wait for our twelve week ultrasound.  My sister was in town so she babysat Lucy while Mark and I went to the appointment. As the ultrasound started, I noticed the baby looked really small but figured the tech hadn't zoomed in yet.  Then I didn't see a heartbeat.  I told the tech I couldn't see one and asked her if it was there.  She told me that I was right--the baby was too small for twelve weeks and there wasn't a heartbeat.  She told me the baby had died around nine weeks. I was in disbelief.  It didn't seem real and I thought that there had to be a mistake. I still felt pregnant. I had the tech check two more times because I couldn't believe what was really happening. 

I was in denial for a long time.  Since then I have been able to grieve and accept the reality of our loss. I actually feel like I have a special peace about losing this baby. I am grateful for this blessing.

Before we left the doctor's office, Mark asked for one last picture of the baby.  I am so glad he did because this has been a sweet picture to me.

My d and c was scheduled for August 20.  I realized that this was kind of a special day because I lost my first baby on the 20th of June. I know this is over three years late but I wanted to include our first baby who had also died around nine weeks.  This was the last ultrasound we had at six weeks.  

 I went back and forth about writing about this but decided I wanted to keep a memory of my babies as they are part of our family. I love the quote from the Dr. Seuss book Horton Hears a Who that says "a person is a person no matter how small".  This is something I have thought a lot about when I have lost my babies and again when Lucy was born.  Every time Lucy positions herself a certain kind of way when she sleeps, or curls her toes, or sighs as she sleeps, it reminds me of how she used to do that in the NICU when she was so little.    Even though she was so tiny and didn't look like a fully developed baby yet, she still had the same sweet spirit in that little body. I have taken comfort in knowing that if there were spirits inside the little babies that I carried and lost, I will be their mother again someday.